今天要介绍的是另一位英语世界的喜剧大师,比利•康纳利。

康纳利出生在苏格兰的格拉斯哥。年轻的时候在码头做过电焊工人。后来转行唱民歌。开始唱歌中间偶尔夹个小笑话。后来就转成只讲笑话。

说康纳利是个大师一点都不过分。他在从七十年代到现在的近四十年里几乎从来没有间断过他的喜剧创作。而且是很少见的几位能在大西洋两岸都取得巨大成功的喜剧明星之一。他的特点是表演自然而有亲和力,对时机和观众的心理把握的分毫不差。当然他最大的特点还是他表演中的脏话和他经常涉及的争议颇多的话题如手淫,渎神,粪便,痔疮等等,这也是他总是受到诸多卫道士的批评的原因。但是我想这也恰恰是为什么喜欢他的人里面既有受过良好教育的中产阶级甚至上层社会,又有工薪阶级的普通老百姓,他的直率,敢言,不虚伪,不谄媚。

今天讲的这段是他在一次全英巡回演出中在老家格拉斯哥表演的一场的最后一段。讲的是他看动物世界时的感想。他这个时候已经离开苏格兰很多年了,所以口音已经变了很多,虽然对苏格兰口音不熟的人可能一时觉得不适应,但是多听几遍就好了。以后还会有他的片子上来。希望各位喜欢!


But now I’ve taken to shouting at animals. It’s…it’s a.… it’s a grade down, it’s a step down the ladder, I feel. And it was a thing about wildebeests. Wildebeest! In the Serengeti plain in Africa …David Attenborough… one of those guides, you know. And all the wildebeests… they’re a particular stupid animal, I think and they was eating grass there, thousands of the buggers, you know. And there’s lionesses creeping up on them, you know. And the leader wildebeest…(looks around)

但是我现在开始冲着动物喊了。降了一级,我感觉。因为角马。角马!在非洲的塞伦盖地平原上。David Attenborough (英国的赵忠祥)那些人你知道吧。完了这些角马,我觉得是特别傻的一种动物,就在那吃草,几千只傻冒在一块儿,你知道吧。然后有一群母狮子偷偷的接近。完了领头的角马就。。。(四处观望)

“Do you hear a lion?”

*the other wildebeest shakes head*

“Thought I heard a lion there…” *looks around* “.… just got that feel of liony kinda feel about the place, you know.”

“你能听着狮子的声音吗?”

*另一个角马摇头*

“我好想听着狮子声了。。。”*观望* “怎么就感觉这个地方有一种狮子吧唧的感觉呢?”

And there was a particularly stupid wildebeest about four back and he goes “did you say lion? I’ve never seen lions. What are they like? I heard they were beige. Is that right, a bit beige? … just like camel.. camel-hair kinda colour?”

“Hey you! Eat the fucking grass and shut up and do as you’re told!”

“Excuse me for being fucking born, by the way! Asking a question about a lion and you get a mouthful of fucking abuse!”

“Sure I heard a fucking lion, there.”

完了后边有一头特别傻的角马,就说“你刚才说狮子吗?我从来没见过狮子。长什么样儿啊?我听说是米黄色的。是吗?黄了吧唧的?就好象那种。。骆驼。。。骆驼毛的颜色?”

“哎你!吃你妈的草!闭上你的臭嘴!告诉你干什么你就干什么!”

“啊真是对不起,我就不该生在这个世上!问点儿狮子的事,结果惹他妈的一顿臭骂!”

“我肯定听着的是狮子声。”

Meanwhile it cuts back to the male lions. They’re all lying under a tree, scratching themselves… playing cards, you know… smoking.

And then it cuts back to the female lions. They’re now about six feet from the wildebeests. And the leader one sneaking up doing that shoulder number.

同时镜头转到公狮子这边。都在树底下躺着挠痒痒。打牌,抽烟,你知道吧。

然后转到母狮子这边。这时候已经离这群角马只有六尺远了。然后领头的这个一点一点的往前蹭,开始演肩膀这出。

“Agnes!Ag…Aye! Agnes!!”*gestures instructions*

“Betty!”*gestures instructions*

*1, 2…*“Wahhhhhh!!!!!!”

“FUCKING LION!!!!!!”

“Where?! Where’s the fucking lion?!!!”

“淑芬!哎!淑。。。淑芬!” *打手势给指令*

“小琴!” *打手势给指令*

*一,二。。。*“哇!!!!”

“妈的狮子!!!”

“哪儿呢?狮子在他妈哪儿呢?!”

Bang! Boof! It’s on the ground. Splitted it open! Slip the hands in the rib cage. There’s lungs and stomach flying out, blood everywhere! Its backleg’s still trying to run!

And there was a wildebeest standing there watching them doing it. All looking at them, eating that thing. And I’m screaming at the tele:“RUN! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! If they look up, you’re fucking history! You see that dust? That’s every fucking wildebeest in Africa! Run after them. They know something you don’t!!!”

帮!唔!摔在地上。撕开!爪子滑到肋骨里。肠子肚子全出来!血肉横飞!后腿还在那跑呢!

完了就在旁边站着另外一只角马,看着他们弄,就看着他们吃那个东西。我就冲着电视喊:“跑啊!你这个傻逼!!他们一抬头你就成历史啦!你看着那边尘土飞扬了吗?全非洲的角马都他妈跑了。跟着跑啊!!他们都比你明白!!”

“I’m no fucking wildebeest!”

And I’ve come to the conclusion: The wildebeests don’t know they’re wildebeests, for there are no mirrors in the Serengeti Plain. You can be anything you like. You ask a wildebeest ” are you a wildebeest?”

“Huh! Fucking kidding? Wildebeest, are we, right?(not sure about this one) I’m one of them stripy things over there. Too fucking right! Oh aye! One of them lions looks up, I’ll just fucking fly away!”

“谁他妈是角马呀?”

然后我就得出一个结论:角马自己不知道自己是角马,因为塞伦盖地草原上没有镜子。你想是什么就是什么。你要问一头角马“你是角马吗?”

“啊你他妈开玩笑呢吧?角马,是哈,嗯?(这句没太听清楚)我跟那边那些身上一道一道的是一伙儿的。诶,对!哦诶!哪个狮子一抬头,我就他妈飞走,我!”

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