今天介绍的仍然是Billy Connolly的一个小片子。是他在1981年的全英巡演中的一场。当时他本来准备唱一首歌,但是好像乐器没准备好还是音响出了问题。于是他决定给大家讲个笑话。

需要了解的一些背景是,Billy Connolly的出生地格拉斯哥是个宗教气息浓重的城市,特别是早年的时候。喜欢足球的人应该知道格拉斯哥的两个球队流浪者和凯尔特人是绝对的死敌,原因不止在足球场上,还有宗教。凯尔特人的球迷多是天主教徒而且政治上偏左(主张苏格兰从联邦分裂出来),而流浪者的球迷多是新教教徒而政治上倾向于统一。

另外一点是连苏格兰人自己都承认他们这里的人比较野蛮,特别是格拉斯哥,街头暴力是出了名的。所以格拉斯哥人总是自嘲说只要你是格拉斯哥人,不管你人到哪,你这野蛮暴力的劲儿都不会改,由此引出这段笑话。

老康早年的时候口音很重,有几个地方实在听不出来。如有高人请不吝赐教。



Right. So… I’m gonna tell you a story, instead. The scene is a Roman Catholic primary school in Glasgow. And the teacher’s standing in front of the class. And they’re all about seven and eight years of age. She said “Right children, today is a very very important day in the history of this school, isn’t it?”
“YES, MISS!”

好了。那。。。我给你讲个故事吧。地点是格拉斯哥的一个天主教小学。老师站在教室前边。学生都是七八岁。老师说“好了孩子们,今天是我们学校历史上非常非常重要的一天,是不是呀?”
“是的老师!”

“John, why’s it an important day?”
“Please miss. A cardinal’s coming to see us all the way from Rome.”
“That’s right. Sit down, John. Jimmy, what’s so special about this cardinal?”
“Miss, he used to be a pupil at this school when he was a wee boy.”

“John, 为什么今天很重要?”
“老师,今天有一位红衣主教要从罗马赶来看我们。”
“对!坐吧John. Jimmy,这位主教有什么特别的?”
“老师,他小时候是我们学校的学生。”

“That’s right. This cardinal was at this very school and in this very class when he was a little boy. And he’s coming all the way from Rome with the Pope’s permission to see us. And it’s a very important day in the history of the school and I want you to be on your best behaviour. There’s only one thing I want you to remember: how to address a cardinal. We call them “Your Eminence””. We don’t call them “father” like a priest, or “Your Grace” like a bishop. You Eminence. What do we call them?”
“Your Eminence, Miss!”

“没错!这位主教还是个小孩儿的时候就在我们学校,而且就在这间教室上过学。而今天他得到教皇的准许特意大老远的从罗马赶来看咱们。所以今天是我们学校历史上非常重要的一天,所以我需要你们拿出你们最好的表现。有一件事我想让大家记好了,那就是见到红衣主教的时候应该怎么叫。我们要说“杰出的主教大人”。不是像对个神父那样叫神父,也不是像对主教那样就叫主教,而是“杰出的主教大人”。管他叫什么?”
“叫“杰出的主教大人”,老师!”

“That’s right! Now will not be long till he’s here. And I must say your parents’ve turned you out beautifully.  A credit to them.”
The magic moment arrives and the door opens and he swishes into the room.*swoosh* the vestment, the hat, the whole number.

“对啦!行了,马上就到了。我还要说一句就是你们父母把你们打扮的都挺漂亮,值得表扬!”
神奇的时刻终于到来!门一开,他从外面就飘了进来。*呼~* 穿着制服,帽子,全部的行头。

“Morning children.”
“Morning Your Eminence!”
(这块儿没太懂)The hoovers are closed to the desk.
“Oh it’s a great privilage having you here, Your Eminence. It really is a great day in the history of this school. Thank you!”
“That’s fine. That’s fine. Do you mind if I speak to the children?”
“Oh carry on. You don’t have to ask.”

“早上好啊孩子们.”
“早上好杰出的主教大人!”
(没懂这句)
“您能到访真的是我们无上的光荣,主教大人。今天是我们学校历史上的重要的一天。非常感谢您!”
“没事没事。我能跟孩子们说话吗?”
“行行。还用问吗,您。”

So he wanders away over and he says to the first wee boy ” Hello, son.”
“Hello, Your Eminence!”
“And what are you gonna do when you’re a big boy?”
“I think I’d like to be an engineer, Your Eminence.”
“Oh did you hear that, boys and girls?”
“YES YOUR EMINENCE!”
“He wants to be an engineer. That’s good, isn’t it?”
“YES YOUR EMINENCE!”

他于是走过去跟前面第一个小男孩说“你好啊年轻人!”
“您好,杰出的主教大人!”
“你长大了想当什么啊?”
“我想当一个工程师,主教大人。”
“哦都听到了吗孩子们?”
“听到了主教大人!”
“他想当一个工程师。多好啊,是不?”
“是的,主教大人!”

“Cause engineers look after the world that God gave us. They drill for oil. They get energy from moving water. They build bridges. A very clever man! Well done, son! Sit down. Hello.”
“Hello,Your Eminence”
“What’s your name?”
“Peter McGuire, Your Eminence.”

“因为工程师们能够管理上帝赐给我们的这个世界。他们能钻石油,利用水力发电,还能建造桥梁。非常聪明的人!说的好我的孩子!请坐。。。 你好!”
“您好,主教大人!”
“你叫什么名字?”
“Peter Mcguire,主教大人。”

“Oh yeah? And what do you wanna do when you’re a big boy, Peter?”
“I think I’d like to be a plumber, Your Eminence.”
“A plumber, indeed? Why do you wanna be a plumber?”
“‘Cause my dad is a plumber, Your Eminence.”
“Did you hear that, boys and girls?”
“YES YOUR EMINENCE!”

“是吗?那你长大了想当什么, Peter?”
“我想当一个水管工,主教大人。”
“水管工,是啊?为什么要当一个水管工啊?”
“因为我爸爸是一个水管工,主教大人。”
“都听到了吗,孩子们?”
“听到了主教大人!”

“He wants to follow in his father’s footsteps. Does that remind you of anybody?”
“No Your Eminence..”
“What about Jesus?”
“OH YES YOUR EMINENCE! Forgot, Your Eminence!”
“Well, don’t forget again, will you? He’s nailed to the wall to remind you, for Christ’s sakes!”(黑板上方应该有耶稣钉在十字架上的塑像。他居然拿这个开玩笑!哈哈哈)

“他想踏着他父亲的足迹前进。这让你想起谁来了吗?“
”没有,主教大人“
“想想耶稣!”
“啊是的主教大人!忘了主教大人!”
“那你别在忘了行吧?看在基督的份儿上,他都钉墙上去了天天在那提醒你!”

Meanwhile… meanwhile there’s a wee boy at the front.
“Connolly, what ARE you doing?!”
“I’m eh… I’m looking for my dinner money.”
“You’re a liar. Get your hand out of your pocket before you hurt yourself. You stupid boy! (他手放在兜里在自慰。教会说自慰会伤身体。)And stop picking…”
“Ah OK!”

同时在前排有一个小男孩儿。(抠鼻孔)
“Connolly, 你在那干啥呢你?!”
“我。。嗯。。。我找晚饭钱呢。”
“成天净撒谎!你把你那手从裤兜儿里拿出来,要不你非受伤不可,你这个二百五!鼻子也别抠了!”
“哎呀行行!”

Of all the people to pick on. Cardinal picks on him.
“Hello son?”
“Hi~”(根本没听老师说)
“And what are you gonna do when you’re a big boy.”
“Oh fuck off, will ya?”(哈哈哈。。)

这么多人,主教偏偏选他。
“你好啊孩子!”
“嗨~”
“那么你长大了想要干什么呢?”
“你滚犊子行不行?”

Whoa!! The mayhem and madness that follows could not be described. There’s bloody fights broken out in the back. “Alright, come on!” Chairs were going through the window. The teacher fainted. Wooo! Big blue knickers up in the air! Ohhhh~
“What did you say to me?!”
“I said FUCK OFF! Are you deaf as well as daft?!”
Well.… people were pulling each other back to get out of the door.

哇!紧接着的混乱和疯狂简直没法形容。后边那有开始血拼的。“来啊来啊!” 椅子都飞出窗外去了。老师在前边也晕过去了。蓝色内裤也飞出来了!哦~~~~
“你说我什么?!”
“我说滚犊子!你不单人傻,耳朵还聋吗?”
那边,大伙都开始脑袋削尖了往门外挤。

“You scoundrel! You’re a horrid horrid boy!(这里注意用的词都非常文明。像个主教说话的口吻。但是一切都是为了最后的大包袱做铺垫。) I was a pupil at this school. I sat in there at that same desk. But I didn’t sit there interfering with myself and being rude to a guest. NO! I worked extremely hard. And I won a scholarship to a boys’ school, where I worked even harder and went to college and became a priest. Five years later I was a parish priest. Did I rest in my worlds? No such thing! I hunted the libraries of this land, reading everything I could get my hands on and writing in the margin ‘my thoughts exactly, how true exclamation mark!’ They made me a canon. They made me a monsignor. I went to Paris to study! I was there for five years and I became a bishop. Ten years later, I was an archbishop. They sent for Rome for me. I went to the Vatican to study at the feet of the Holy Father! They made me a cardinal. I was in the jury who elected the last Pope! (这一大串都是为了掉观众的胃口。让你一辈子也猜不出来他后面会说什么。抖包袱的功夫绝了!)And you’re telling me to fuck off? YOU FUCK OFF!!!” (哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。。。。。。)

“你这个小无赖!你是个非常让人讨厌的孩子!我以前就在这个学校上学,就坐在那边这张桌子。但是我没像你似的坐在那自己摸自己,还顶撞贵客。没有!我极端刻苦的学习。后来拿了奖学金上男校。在那我学习得更加刻苦,而后上了大学,然后做了神父。五年后我就做了教区主管。那个时候我懈怠了吗?没有这种事!我走遍了附近所有的图书馆,阅读一切我们找到的书,然后在书的空白处写上‘跟我想的一模一样,太对了,感叹号!他们选我做正规教士,还派我去巴黎学习。我在那呆了五年就做了主教。十年之后就做了大主教。他们把我举荐到罗马去。我到了梵蒂冈在神圣的教皇膝下学习!他们把我选做红衣主教!上一任教皇的选举委员会里就有我一个!完了你现在让我滚犊子?你给我滚犊子!!!’”

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